Beachyhead to the Scottish border in 10 hours. It can be done, but only if Dix quits the goofing off at traffic circles. She likes high speed circling while singing at the top of her lungs. Yep Dix and Pix is heading back to England. Just picture it as an American French and Saunders. That’s us. Yipeeeee……….. Dad wants us to take mom for one last time cross the creek and he is funding the trip. Double yipeeeeeee. 

Dix has done the F&S hump the queen dance every morning this week when I drop off Ry for school. It’s her happy dance, vulgar as hell and an absolute riot to see. She is taking her DE mask and cloke so I can take pictures for her Deviant Art site. I have dared her to ride one of the lions in Trafalgar. Now how do you bail someone out of a London jail?

Time to place your bets on what area of the rental car she will damage this year.   Every time you put her in a rental she goes beserk. It’s like a license to drive like an Italian racecar driver, or maybe a Pakistani Cabby. Which ever is the most dangerous? You know she has outstanding traffic tickets over there too. I had better not end up having to drive. I hate driving in areas I know nothing about. And GPS doesn’t help me either; I just get flustered and pissed and start yelling at the dash.  

I am bringing my muscle relaxers so when we are in London we can slip mom a Mickey and hit the town. Maybe I should do benedryl.  Actually I am pretty good at doing that trick; I used to dope gran up on a daily basis. She wouldn’t take her meds and the more she was off them the more the dementia kicked in, so I would go over there make her a strong cup of coffee and slip one of her pills in. It took about thirty minutes and she would go from grouchy granny to happy, happy granny. 

Ok, I need ideas for our play list. Before we go I have to load up the ipod (also a disk just incase) with music for the road trip. It must have London Calling and where to go from there is up in the air. Dix won’t listen to my classical stuff so it has to be something other. But I am going to bring a classical CD for sleeping; I sleep to Debussy every night.

******

 I have spent the morning helping my boss’s mother get ready for her art exhibit. This is so fun and it makes me want to start back drawing and painting. I am frustrated as heck with the writing and I just want to throw in the towel there. I just have so much on my plate that I don’t have time. 

Every week I have to have a lesson for my Sunday school class. And since we finished the books I am back to making up my own lessons. At the moment I am desperately searching for something to teach the kids this Sunday. I need a new “gross” lesson. They love that stuff. 

******

The house is almost finished. I can’t wait to move. Not. That is going to be a f’ing headache. Especially with the Anal Retentive Husband going spastic over everything and micromanaging every move I make. At the moment I want to send him to Siberia and hire someone to pack and move us. 

Oh I just had to post this one. If you recall I posted long ago of my little girl’s K5 visit to the principal’s office. (She is in 2^nd grade now) Well my nephew Ryan topped her. 

The little boys play pretend pirates. Which is normal, boys will be boys. Well a little girl interrupted their fun. My nephew tells her “girl, I gonna cut you up”. She goes screaming to the teacher. Well Rye is up at the teacher’s desk, I guess getting his lecture or what ever they do, when the little boy that sits next to Rye yells “Ryan has a gun in his back pack”. And the fun started from there. The presumed gun was a radio control for one of his toys. Shaped like a gun, what are the toymakers thinking?

I am amazed they didn’t have him at the youth center. My brother in law had to leave his job along with sis in law and go talk to the principle. If it had been public school and not FA they would have locked the school down and toted him out in cuffs.  Do they make them that small?



 

God I am green. My frigging cast iron stomach has failed me. What this time you ask, raw eggs. Not the whole egg, just the yolk. Sorry I like them. I must have downed a bad one because I feel like I chewed up a cigarette and swallowed it. Kiss my ass Dix; I know what you’re thinking. I haven’t even had a cup of coffee yet. I live for my coffee. 

I prefer pressed – it’s the best method but I will stoop to sipping this drivel they make here. If I had some ipecac I could make myself feel better. 

***

The house is coming along. Yesterday they starting bricking it and the ceilings are in. I guess today they will work on the rest of that. I can’t wait, I am so sick of this damn apartment. It’s very nice, but expensive as hell. Who the fuck needs concierge garbage service? But its nice not having to buy light bulbs I just call and tell them they are out again and they come in and change them. Plus since we went month to month the rent went up 200 bucks more. I won’t give you the final tally but it’s kicking my ass. 

***

Dix is going to kill me for not telling her. But I tried the face book page. I found two friends that I went to school with which is cool. But then names started popping up all over the damn place. Some of those names were way too close to home. I just keep hearing that divorce lawyer in my head again and so I cut that shit off. No way in hell am I letting that holy rolling bunch of my husbands find out about my “hobbies” on line. I still cringe when I pass downtown and have to look at that skyscraper which houses those frigging lawyers. If you don’t know what I am talking about me and hubby about 5 years ago decided to call it quits. We made up but between both of us spent a small fortune on the most viscous lawyers in our city. Those guys are bastards, hell my own lawyer was a bastard. Tom doesn’t know all I do and the slash stuff would freak him out. They would probably be sprinkling me with holy water or something. They aren’t the most open minded bunch.  

***

Ok, I need something funny to cheer me up.  Hmmm something from the vault I guess. I told you some of Dix’s latest embarrassing moments. How about some of mine?  The list is so long. Getting sick on boyfriend down at fort Morgan, too gross. Getting caught doing the very, very nasty by someone’s grandmother.  Simply horrifying, we almost gave the old woman a stroke. How about almost catching a barn on fire while having a party with my FB smoking an illegal substance. I swear the light from the kerosene lantern looked like a big eye on the roof of the barn. I guess I shouldn’t have tried to poke it out… Dix was there.  We were trying to cheer her up for some reason. This was the same guy who introduced me to clove cigarettes and told me of the little blue guys that kept hitting his window in the rain. Jim, it’s a pity you grew up.  We lost the keys to the car in the loft and spent a fucked up hour looking for keys in the hay. Sometimes I miss my misspent youth. How about the business trip where I almost ripped my supervisor’s shirt off. What was I thinking…he was hot and I was bored, go figure...? Do you know how long it took to live that party down at work? Lucky I had enough blackmail material on most of those lab geeks so it never got out of our lab.

Ever hear the term “fuck me gently with a chainsaw”? Well it is for who ever created the latest Trojan virus.  Honey, I would really love to show you a good time. I might even grease it for you. I’m sure Dix has some of that splintery Astro lube around the house left over. 

That SOB wiped out ten (10!!!) years of stuff not saved on my company server. The company crap is safe. It’s just my pictures, stories, jokes, my FUCKING passwords, all my damn quotes. Bugger you with that chain saw to.

******

I have got to change that subject or I will blow a fuse. Look there, the sun is out. Finally, we had so much water come through here. The roads are washed out in some areas. My garden is calling me. I hope I have some of it still there.

Oh the tales I could tell.  While sitting with Dix Friday and discussing the week’s events, costumes, and plot bunnies to be massacred she told me of her latest escapade.  When I regained my breath I asked her why she didn’t post this stuff.  And I was told it is just too unbelievable and ridiculous.  It’s not unbelievable to me.  Dix’s escapades (and mine) could be used to frighten Bogart’s back into their cubbies.

I told her I would post them and she said I wouldn’t dare.   Don’t dare me.  The horns will grow and I will do it, it’s an urge I can’t resist.

So the following are two of Dix’s latest.  Warning: put all drinks and food down.  Slip all breakables to the back of the desk.  Clear a space on the floor to roll.

Astroglide (lube) doesn’t mix well with glass.  Ok let’s rephrase that a bit, it doesn’t mix well with BROKEN glass.  How does this relate to Dixie you ask?  Well her husband does shift work.  Six days a week and twelve hour shifts.  When he isn’t working he is sleeping, this leaves very few moments to “catch up” without a house full of kids interrupting the mood.  So the other day the kids are at school, the doors are locked, and the moment was perfect for some “love in the hot afternoon”.  So the two love birds decide to recreate one of those hot and frantic scenes out of a movie.  The fly back to the bed room, clothes frying as they go, banging on walls, kissy kissy, smoochy smoochy.  Well you know how that goes.  Must have been quite vigorous because a glass sconce over the bed fell and shattered on them. 

Dix said she couldn’t move, she just had to lie there while the hubby vacuumed off the shattered glass from her.  I was dying to ask her if she got any splinters.

            ***     

Dix and I live in the South on the Gulf of Mexico.  Its lush, green, and the flowers are fragrant.  Dixie loves flowers and spends a small fortune on them every year.  Her back yard is an English garden and her patio is welcoming and colorful with potted flowers.  She is very protective of her flowers and spends a lot of time arse up working in those flower beds.  Nothing will push her buttons and get her more violent than a pesky armadillo.  They love worms and the softer and more fertile the soil the more worms you have.  So those pesky animals love her flower beds.  Or so she thought.  After spending two mornings replanting flowers the little monster dug up during the night Dix had had enough.  Annie Oakley got her gun and a flashlight and readied herself for battle.  Late in the night she heard the sound of digging coming from the garden, so pulling out her weapons she charged out to the garden ready for bloodshed.  Only to come face to rear with a skunk, our girl was very lucky that he didn’t believe in “firing” first.   Eau de parfum Peppy le Pew would have lasted a long time.  

She is so going to kill me. 

Wow, they are framing my house today. Oh the journey is long but soon I will be home. I am sick of living in the city. I need the dirt between my toes, the sound of the tree frog and cricket to rock me to sleep, and my sister next door to aggravate at all hours of the night. I will take some pictures and get Dix to download them for me. She knows how to do all that so I don’t bother learning it.

Another reason I can’t wait to get back out to the country is we will have visiting Death Eaters and Werewolves in July. Sonia is coming home with Dix and she might bring Droxy. Oh I can’t WAIT for the patio conversations we will have. I just hope the sticks don’t bore the hell out of Sonia. Dix is planning for all of us to head over to New Orleans for a day. The banana daiquiris are calling my name. 

I promised Dix I won’t do a repeat of the last time I had run in with the drink. Simply put, I just don’t know when to stop. My off button is damaged or something. I woke up groggy in the shower after Storyville, prunny as hell.  Dix was supposed to get me out so she could shower but she fell asleep and I passed out in there. Just a note for hangover relief. Have some cup of soup and a bottle of water sitting by your bed the next morning. Drink the water, and then make you a cup of soup, works every time for me.

I have turned from the HP groups. Sorry, but now I obsess over Twilight and Edward. The fiction is cool. I was in a rut with Snape. Dix is still trying to get me to write her a “Mrs. Robinson” thing with Draco. I get it plotted out and then drop the ball.  I have done this several times now so nothing new.

Speaking of Twilight I just read an interview with Rob Pattinson. He is an interesting young fellow. He comes off as scattered, but sincere. Bet he is a hoot at a party. My husband accused me of having a teenage crush. I just laughed. It’s not a crush but hell I do use him for inspiration. Why shut your eyes and think of the Queen when you can think of HIM. LOL! 15 years guys, you have to spice it up someway.

I have the guy at the local blockbuster going to save me the huge Twilight poster in the window. I think I might tape it to the ceiling in the bed room for a joke. See how loud I can get. Hubby likes to play pranks on me; well I think I am going to prank him. 

OMG, I just posted on Fan Fiction net for the first time. I am both nervous and excited. If you are interested go to FF and look for Therapy via Portrait.  Please review if you do.

Well I just played a prank on my fellow coworkers. Really it was a payback. Last week they threw a live very huge and nasty cockroach on me. I work with men, that one sentence should explain everything. There is always some weird prank going on.

Well I let it sit for a week. I even apologized for loosing my cool and cursing them out. Now everything is back to normal. Well it seems that way. Everyone rub you hands together and do a classic MUHAHAAAA.

Shhhhh, in their office, secreted under many boxes and other such lies a small but smelly piece of a sardine. The other half is in the freezer in the break room waiting for stage two of my prank. The smell in there should be intolerable come Monday after we get back from holiday.

Revenge is a lovely past time.

Oh I know I have been MIA but I am back.  I just have too much going on.  That and I have this remarkable ability to waste what ever spare time I have left over.  The time just seems to get away from me and I come too drooling and looking at the TV.

***

The exchange is starting up.  I am on the fence about it.  It was fun last year but so draining.  I only did a small three part story but it pulled the marrow out of me.  I had only good replies so that was encouraging.   If you are curious go to the exchange and look for “Therapy via Portrait.”  I am going to submit it to Ashwinder in November.  It’s a seasonal piece so I don’t think it’s appropriate for this time of year.  There was one part in it where Severus was on his death bed and his granddaughter was beside him, I wrote that not long after my grandmother passed.  Needless to say I boohooed the whole time.  I was a wreck.  But the Tonks & Remus ghosts were such a riot to pen.  I need to write some more about them, a short sequel. 

***

Dixie and the junior Death Eaters are back.  Well, they have been back for some time now.  Its just the kids have finally shut up long enough for Dix to talk.  I think the girls have a hero worship thing going for Alabastardsdragon….but I won’t go there.  Teens, it only gets worse.  I have heard so much.  I am jealous, well not really cause I am just not that sort.  She got to hang out with Perseus and Draco and I am just dying to know what they think of that big ole truck that picked them up at the airport.  Just the idea of a gaggle of death eaters riding around in a truck.  It just sends me into giggles.  I wish they could have got a picture of that one!   

They also spent some quality time with Droxy.  She is the coolest and Ron is amazed at how she can work a room.   There was a photo shoot they did of “smoking” Snape that was the coolest.  She has played with those pics for hours with that Photoshop toy of hers.  I want to ask Droxy if she has ever heard of any songs by Ray Stevens but Dixie will peel me alive if I do.  LOL and takes off running….

Dixie did the same thing I did at Portus.  I spent the whole time looking for Southern witch and never got to meet her.  I didn’t know it but we sat two people apart at one of the sessions.  Dix had to listen to me whine all the way home to Mobile.  Good news from Southern though Dixie just called to say she would be in town Saturday and she is going to meet her and I am going with her.  I am jumping around now with excitement. 

***

Don’t mess with my little slytherin.  It’s a big mistake if I catch you; it’s an even bigger mistake if I don’t catch what she will do to you.  For example let’s use Kyle, eight years old, future Gryffindor hunk, and latest victim of my daughter.  Every afternoon Kyle knocks on our door asking if my girl can come out and play.  It’s just so cute.  Yesterday he made a mistake, he called her a name.  I don’t know what it was.  All I know is that I am sitting on our patio reading the latest trashy romance and she comes by carrying her kiddy shovel and her beach bucket.  She tells me that Kyle got into trouble and had to go home but she is still playing.  I told her ok and went back to my book.  It started to get dark and I called for her to come in and here she comes, muddy shovel, muddy bucket, muddy hands, and a smirk plastered across her angelic face.  She looked at me and goes “he won’t call me a name again”.   I looked out at the side walk and there was his bike.  She had made mud and covered the WHOLE thing in mud.  Not just a little mud, I am talking about a nice layer.  From the front tire to the back she didn’t miss a spot.  I just made her wash it off.  We slytherins stick together.  Sorry but that’s just how it’s going to be. 

++++++

A friend sent me the following email about friendship and the different types.  It talks about how everyone in your life is there for a purpose.  The email talked about seasonal friendship and lifetime friendship. Read below:

*******

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

 I read all of it, which is a first for me because I skim everything.  I think it’s very true.  People flitter through my life and then one day they are gone.  Very seldom is it an argument that causes our parting, mostly it’s just a change of location.  I do wonder what happens to them, occasionally.  But very few do I keep up with.  For example four years ago I got a letter in the mail from a girl that I knew eons ago.  I meant to write her back but never did.  I find her note in my drawer every now and then (I kept it, why?) and think of her, but still I don’t write back.  I don’t know why, a few times I have picked up a pen but the letters never get wrote.  It’s like a toy left by a child – my mother finds them in her flower beds all the time.  I wonder what was I doing when I left that there, why didn’t I go back, what caused my childish neglect of a toy that I remember loving?  Its strange how one minute you desire something and the next its just dust… but that’s life.  

Mobile County School Board is Fucking NUTS!  I wish I could afford to put my child back into private school.  I have to have my daughter moved to a different school each year on a hardship transfer.  I have to be at work at 7am.  So does my husband.  You cannot drop a kid off till a quarter till eight.  In the afternoons I do not get off work till 30 minutes after they let out.  My husband doesn’t get home till six.  Therefore my daughter would be getting on a bus and off the bus with no one to supervise her.  She is seven.

No damn way.

Last year they gave me the transfer.  Dixiebell took her to school and picked her up so that was a blessing.  I would rather have her with my sister than anyone.  That is her second mom.  BUT! But, this year those low life pond scum sucking used car salesmen running the school board decided to lay off over a 100 teachers and put in a call for no transfers under any circumstances.  MF!  I am so mad.

Give me some ideas guys.  What can you do?  Any legal or illegal means, I’ll do it.  That’s my baby and I will do what ever it takes to keep her safe.  Even from a bunch of rimming school board jerks.